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November 2, 2011

(TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE) This is Why Women Are Afraid to Tell You No | Polimicks

This past Thursday, a group of men started cat-calling/hitting on a group of women in Chicago. When the women said, no, the men threw bottles and then SHOT at their car as they tried to drive away. One woman was shot in the shoulder, and the driver took a bottle in the head as she tried to drive off. Last month in Washington, DC a Transwoman was shot for turning down a man’s request for sex as she sat in her car. In August a woman in Atlanta was shot for refusing to get in a car with a group of men. In May of 2010 a young woman was shot in the leg for turning down a man’s advances.

Ok, so that was one googling, which also yielded an article on a woman in Australia who was shot in the thigh after refusing to perform oral sex. Many people will claim that these are just “isolated” incidents. But three of those took place in the last two, two and a half months. That’s not really isolated, in fact, that sounds distinctly like a pattern.

When guys complain about women not giving them a straight answer, this is why. Granted, these are fairly extreme. However, on a regular basis women who turn down men, no matter how nicely, are insulted, yelled at, spit on, hit, kicked and knocked to the ground. Most of these assaults go unreported because women know that the police aren’t going to take them seriously, particularly if they’re dressed at all nicely or “sexy.”

This is why the Schrodinger’s Rapist post resonated with so many women.

“Why are you afraid of women?” I asked a group of men.
“We’re afraid they’ll laugh at us,” replied the men.
“Why are you afraid of men?” I asked a group of women
“We’re afraid they’ll kill us,” replied the woman. -Margaret Atwood

When men ignore our boundaries, try to push or test them, we rightfully feel that they are a bigger risk for pushing even more important, dangerous boundaries, like say, raping or hitting you.

Yeah, I know, a lot of you are out there (if you’ve gotten this far) thinking, “That’s bullshit! I’d never do that!” And maybe you wouldn’t, but we can’t take that chance. And when you push boundaries or ignore our “No”s, even about small things, this puts you higher and higher up on the risk scale.

We can’t take those chances because when we’re raped or assaulted it’s always our fault. Everyone tells us so. Every single person who says, “I’d never blame the victim, but if you’re wearing a short skirt, what do you expect?” Every fucking magazine with their “Ten Things You Can Do to Not Be Raped” articles, that place all the onus on women, and none of it on, oh, the rapists.

How do you not scare women?

Respect their boundaries. Take no at face value. As a commenter said over on Pharyngula, you have nothing to lose: If she meant no, you’ve respected her wishes. If she meant “pursue me harder” or whatever bullshit, then bullet dodged. You don’t want to deal with that kind of mind-game playing, anyway.

But in all seriousness, guys, if you ever wonder why women act like their scared of you, read the above links again.

(Source: gabrielleabelle)

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October 31, 2011

When somebody says, “I don’t think women should be raped for wearing short skirts, but what do they expect when they do go out like that?” what you are actually saying is that if a woman in a short skirt is raped, you will be less likely to hold her rapist culpable. Which makes a woman in a short skirt really appealing to a rapist. That’s something that you did. That’s not something the woman in the short skirt did, or something the rapist did. You made that woman a more comfortable target by making it clear that if she got raped, you would be less upset about it, less willing to see the rapist go to jail, less willing to support the woman. A woman is not increasing her risk of being raped by wearing a short skirt. You are increasing her risk of being raped by saying that women who get raped in short skirts should have expected that. Rapists hear you say that. By only raping the women that bystanders agree should be raped, a rapist reduces his chance of being caught and, if caught, punished. And that is why he will pick those women, over and over again, not because there is something more appealingly rapeable about them — they have what any woman has, as far as rape goes — but because he will be less likely to be held culpable for his actions.

(via mollay)

(Source: fugitivus.wordpress.com)

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October 28, 2011

The Accidental Rapist — The Good Men Project

Most “good guys” take a woman’s firm “No!” for an answer. (Those who don’t are best left to the ministrations of our criminal justice system.) But lots of men are like the guy I was at 19—assuming that while “no means no” anything short of a firm “no” is either a “yes” or a “keep at it, boy, because you just might get a ‘yes’ soon.” Call it male sexual legalism, the first rule of which is “All that is not expressly prohibited is assumed to be permitted.” That legalism can turn many men into accidental rapists.

(Source: chocolateinthelibrary)

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October 16, 2011

kitchenknivesandcherrybombs:

amonsteraday:

piddlebucket:

qweerdo:

soydulcedeleche:

hello motherfucking rape culture. omg

hes just a man, if you say no, he cant help but try to go at you anyway! RAPEY as fuck!!!!

“compromise because hes doing nothing wrong”

jkdgsfjkdfhgjkhfgjfkghdfghfsgdafsdfasddsdafdgsjhjp’uylk[]o[pk;’jk

Way to go, Cosmopolitan.

‘i’m no scientist’ NO SHIT

what the hell is this rape apologist bullshit. make sure it’s a SUBTLE knee jerk, you wouldn’t want him to think he’s actually doing something horrible

……………

It doesn’t take a scientist to not perpetuate rape culture.

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October 15, 2011

breathinglessons:

By yours truly. Inspired by this picture.

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October 5, 2011

It is an important thing to instill in a younger generation about the impact of rape, the lasting impact of rape. Children from grade school to high school to college are incredibly susceptible and incredibly malleable, as we all know. To get them early, to teach them about the facts and figures and other realities of rape is key. It is an important issue to me as not only a man, but as an educator, as a human being and as a person on this planet.

Jon Hamm (via bibliofeminista)

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jon hamm mad men feminist men feminist rape sexual assault

October 4, 2011

At first, I didn’t know what she meant. She spoke so softly I had to lean across the table to hear her. “I don’t want to hurt your feelings,” she said, “but sometimes I really don’t want to have sex. Sometimes I do, but not as often as you want it. And sometimes I want to tell you ‘no,’ but I can’t bring myself to do it. So I try and send you signals, hoping you can just tell how I’m feeling. But that doesn’t work, so it’s… it’s just easier to say ‘yes’ or just say nothing at all.”

My face flushed. I felt nauseated. I thought instantly of the previous night, where we’d grabbed what I thought was a hot half-hour when my roommates were both gone. Katie had seemed so passionate when we’d been making out, but then gotten very quiet once all our clothes were off. I’d told myself she wanted to have one ear cocked for the sound of a key in the door. I hadn’t considered—or hadn’t wanted to consider—the more obvious possibility: she was trying to tell me that she didn’t want to have sex.

I looked out the window. I couldn’t meet Katie’s eyes. My gaze fixed in the distance, my voice trembling, I asked what seemed the only possible question: “Are you trying to tell me I raped you?”

I was in my first women’s studies course, and just the previous week we’d been reading about sexual violence and the law. In class, where I was one of only three men, I’d felt rage thinking about all of those cruel assholes who didn’t understand that “no means no.” But now a dark and unseen possibility was opening up: not every “no” could be spoken. Maybe, I realized, sometimes even a quiet “OK” could be a “no” in disguise.

Katie started to cry. “Oh God, Hugo. No. Not rape. It’s just… I wish you could tell the difference between when I really want you and when I’d just rather be held.” She began to cry harder. “Fuck. It’s all my fault,” she wept. “I can’t expect you to be a mindreader. I’m so sorry.”

The Accidental Rapist — The Good Men Project

So much of the activism against sexual violence posits rapists as a subspecies of human, deliberately malicious, a separate breed that - if eradicated - will solve all our problems. Yet how often do we look into ourselves to see if we are part of the problem?

Perhaps when we consider the idea that we could be abusers too - want it or not - we can start coming up with more solutions that don’t assume Good/Bad splits, that don’t force assumptions of “They can’t have done that, they’re a GOOD PERSON!”, that doesn’t also end up finding fault with the victim because they weren’t perfectly innocent.

(via creatrixtiara)

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September 30, 2011

Anonymous

I was 18, I had just broken up with my boyfriend and kinda liked this guy who I had been with before. We were at a bar, I was heart broken and drunk, desperately wanting someone to like me and someone to be there for me in any way. So I made a pass at this guy but he didn’t want me so he kinda forced me to his friend. All I can remember is him touching me and telling me dirty things which I know I didn’t like but didn’t do anything to stop him. I don’t know if I wanted him.

Next thing I know we were at a house with two of his friends who left for as long as we were having sex. I remember the feeling of wanting to stop but I was too drunk and afraid to (I thought that he would hate me or throw me out of the apartment). As soon as this was over his friends came over (which means they were either outside the front door or in another room) and they kept making fun of me for different reasons. He then led me to the front door, in a neighbourhood I’d never been to before and he didn’t even give me directions. That was when I called a friend, crying because I never wanted to have sex with him in the first place. I was alone and scared, felt dirty, used and abused. I told some of my friends, some of them said that I wanted it so I can’t be complaining. But it felt so wrong.

This was the last time I ever got drunk without having any friends with me. I know that something worse could have happened to me so I try to be careful and sober. I shouldn’t have been made to act like this though.

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September 20, 2011

25, Australia

I don’t remember how old I was. I was in primary school. I had walked to the milk bar just as I did many days, to get some lollies for myself and my brother. It must have been summer because it was almost closing time, but it was still light enough outside for me to walk.

The milk bar man was the same man that had been there for as long as I could remember. I knew him, I guess you could say I trusted him. It’s not like I thought of him at all when I wasn’t in the milk bar.

I was the only one in the store, and usually another member of his family (wife, kids) were in the store with him as they lived out the back of the store, their house was joined to it. But that day it was just him. I remember him coming out to the front of the counter to look at which lollies I was pointing out. He knelt down next to me, but he wasn’t looking at the lollies. He was looking at me. He had this weird smile on his face, and I remember trying to smile back even though I remember being absolutely frozen in fear. I didn’t know why I was afraid. Then he began rubbing his crotch, and breathing heavily. The heavier he breathed, the faster he rubbed and pulled at himself. I still couldn’t move, I don’t remember ever being as afraid as I was that day.

I think somebody came into the shop then, as I remember him standing back up and heading behind the counter, and I ran all the way home as fast as I could go. I never got the lollies. I refused to go to the milk bar after that without my brother, and those owners left eventually.

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September 14, 2011

Not being assaulted is not a privilege to be earned through the judicious application of personal safety strategies. A woman should be able to walk down the street at 4 in the morning in nothing but her socks, blind drunk, without being assaulted, and I, for one, am not going to do anything to imply that she is in any way responsible for her own assault if she fails to Adequately Protect Herself. Men aren’t helpless dick-driven maniacs who can’t help raping a vulnerable woman. It disrespects EVERYONE.

Emily Nagoski. no idea who she is, but i thank her. there is no excuse for rape and anyone who excuses it is insulting both the victim and the rapist. (via rapeisnotajoke)

There are two arguments I’ve noticed

“Women should prepare themselves better if they don’t want to get raped”
ALL MEN AREN’T RAPISTS/Its not fair that women accuse me of being a rapist/i get called creepy all the time

So basically we have to prepare ourselves all the time, but if we ever give a man the sense that we view them as a misogynistic/violent threat - that’s unfair

hmm…

(via newwavefeminism)

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rape excuses rape culture victim blaming sexual assault